Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

Doctor: I have your test results

Me: did I pass hahaha

Doctor: hahaha you will soon

Me: haha what

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

*Facebook down*

Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories

Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.

Friend: That’s good to know.

Me: It’s actually much worse than that.

ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.

I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

[phobia support group]

host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.

me: [tearing up]

host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?

me: tsunamis

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.

Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.

Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.

Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.

if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.