I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
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What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
And now we wait
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.