Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs

Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots

let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.

It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.

just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears

Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album

My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: one more

me: *click*

ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!

[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]

please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.

me: would you still love me if i was crazy?

him: if????

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

Things will get butter, keep churning

Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*

Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.

*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.