I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
You Might Also Like
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I feel seen
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point