I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
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Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.