I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
You Might Also Like
Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…