Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]

ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?

ME: Because I care.

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

problems i need

I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

[on a date with a european]

Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.