I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
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1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
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Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“![]()
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur