I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
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Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
plant them where lol
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out