Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon

Retweet to save a life.

#NationalGirlfriendDay

The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.

Me: That’s a cam-

Wife: …

Me: Yes. Yes they do.

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

Tonight I will make history!

Turns off incognito mode

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.

My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.

it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”

This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.

customer service: do you have the boomerang?

man: no, that’s the whole problem

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”

– Kids