I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
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I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage