I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
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“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
#SuperBowl
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
