Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.

me: first off – get out of my house.

Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”

Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”

Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?

anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters

Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.