Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

Sunday night: Super Bowl party!

Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!

Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.

Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?

Me: Word

Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’

Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance

customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

me: sorry, we only take cash

manager: can I talk to you

My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

Teacher: welcome to health class

Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?

Teacher: sir please just mop the floor

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me:

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.

Battery falling down a hole

*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.