I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
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Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
😾
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I beg your pardon?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.