Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

In truth, spiders are harmless*

*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.

You have to keep it to a low ha.

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.

If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

*answers phone call from boss*

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be

Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.

Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.

When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha

This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?