Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them

[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today

Earth: START A REVOLUTION

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent

People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright

got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house

Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.

[Infomercial for Parachutes]

“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*

I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

[first day as a celebrity chef]

*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

“Annie are you ok?”

-yep

“Are you ok?”

-dude, I just said yes

“Are you ok Annie?”

-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL

My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.

Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.

Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show