I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
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God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
gm
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure