Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach

*shrugs off responsibility*

weigh me now

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”

go easy on yourself <3

Neighbor: What are you doing?

Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?

Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox

[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you

me: this could’ve been an email

[gets email]

me: no not like that

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.

Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.

Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

daughter: do I have to brush?

me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?

daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

My iPhone does NOT rule my life.

Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”