Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.

Me: And for my third wish…

Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?

People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

Rooting for the overdog

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

Wife: Can you make the bed

Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

May have had one breakfast too many

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid

Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”

Me: “Wait, what do they say?”

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.