Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.

Judas has been acting weird the last few days.

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!

“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭

Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

[hotel]

me: do you offer turndown service

concierge: sorry no

me: thank you

Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

Me: I’m going to be so productive today!

Apple Screen Time Report: LOL

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

“What?”
– Jude

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh

Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.

Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…