Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve

cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

[if my cat tweeted]

When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.

Kids: We’re bored!

Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?