I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
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2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
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My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes