I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
You Might Also Like
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
asked my bf how work was today
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret