I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
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I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way