I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

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I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.


me: [taking off shirt]

wife: woah slow down there bud

me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?


Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore


Best part about marriage?


Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.


My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.


Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.


Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.


Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.


My husband went to the market for the first time during Coronageddon.

Me: Don’t forget hand soap!
Him: OMG I won’t forget ffs!

{From the store}

Him via text: in line to pay!
Me: Did you get soap?
Him: I forgot to look.

This is why I have a boyfriend.