I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
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I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…
I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.