I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
You Might Also Like
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
