I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
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[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Eat…
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
How is it still this week?
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.