Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”

Manager: Great! What will it do?

Developer: The opposite of that.

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die

date: i’m very level-headed

me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too

Her: Do we have any chicken stock?

Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”

I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

*takes my split ends to couples counseling*

Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!

My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform

A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?