I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
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The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?