As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
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Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.