Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

8yo: Can you just say nothing?

3yo: Nothing

8yo: No, just say nothing

3yo: Nothing!

8yo: No, can you just be silent?

3yo:

3yo: NOTHING!

Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*

“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

How to find Kentucky on a map

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

An odd boast

Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?

The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.

You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.

Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.

[Valentine’s Day]

Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?

Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?