I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
