I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
LOOOOOOL
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
