I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
You Might Also Like
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?