I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
You Might Also Like
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I can’t deal with men any longer
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Wait for it
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!