Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again

The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.

when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger

I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down

IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband

Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏

Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?

my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

me: I need to learn about clams

librarian: you can find them under C

me: I need to learn more than that

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella