I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
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Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.