Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

12653.

WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”

Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back

Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire

Can’t, The Thundercats need me.

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.

no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.

*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.

Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination

Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.