Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

Jeff Bezos this morning:

“Alexa, end my marriage”

Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*

My family: what’s the occasion?

Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.

Not sure how to cuddle propawly

📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.