I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
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I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard