I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

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Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?

Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.


If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.


Congratulations to Janet Jackson for having a baby at age 50! When I was 50, I wasn’t even strong enough to push a child out of my way.


The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.


If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.


Soooooo I have been writing reviews for about ten years. My wife’s review of Alien puts everything I have ever written to shame.

“Alien is a movie where nobody listens to the smart woman, and then they all die except for the smart woman and her cat. Four stars.”


People who try to test my patience don’t realize it’s an exam I don’t plan on passing.


*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!


Husband: how come we don’t ever eat anything fancy anymore, like before we had kids?

Me: that’s not true

Husband: oh yeah, what’s for dinner tonight?

Me: (whispers) ˢˡᵒᵖᵖʸ ʲᵒˢᵉᵖʰˢ


My new phone has fingerprint recognition security technology and now I can’t open my phone unless I’m eating fried chicken