@thisis_thatguy

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

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@sofarrsogud

Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?

Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.

@trevso_electric

If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.

@BetteMidler

Congratulations to Janet Jackson for having a baby at age 50! When I was 50, I wasn’t even strong enough to push a child out of my way.

@LostFelicia

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

@RunOldMan

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.

@AdamShaftoe

Soooooo I have been writing reviews for about ten years. My wife’s review of Alien puts everything I have ever written to shame.

“Alien is a movie where nobody listens to the smart woman, and then they all die except for the smart woman and her cat. Four stars.”

@Freudianscript

People who try to test my patience don’t realize it’s an exam I don’t plan on passing.

@WilliamRodgers

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

@Divergentmama

Husband: how come we don’t ever eat anything fancy anymore, like before we had kids?

Me: that’s not true

Husband: oh yeah, what’s for dinner tonight?

Me: (whispers) ˢˡᵒᵖᵖʸ ʲᵒˢᵉᵖʰˢ

@MondayPajamas

My new phone has fingerprint recognition security technology and now I can’t open my phone unless I’m eating fried chicken