Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

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Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!

my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami

Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

How do some animals just abandon their young like that??

After kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

[Takes notes]

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

Most people: I guess balloons are ok

Me:

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.