Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…

No thank you.
I already have a cat.

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

Haha! 😂

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.