I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
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I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Passwords are more important than ever.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
how to have an accident 101
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.