I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
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I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Breaking news:
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.