I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
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My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
peep davidson
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Meeeee too!
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
the #horror is real!
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being