I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
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Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
My church trusts me to collect and count the offering but not to pick up the donuts and that’s fair.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
My Plans 2020
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby