I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
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nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
They got Raph!
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”