Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me:

ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol

PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Why though?

Her: You lie to me constantly

Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!

mission: save the cat

obstacles: the cat

4: When can I wear 13 shirts?

Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes

Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.

3: Imma be a lamp.

Me: I’m done talking to you for now.

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

How I’d get arrested…

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy

Hot hot hot 🥵

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”

I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.