I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
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My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
what’s really going on
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
best review i’ve ever seen
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Canada has crack?
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.