Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.

Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?

whelp that’s enough instagram for today

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.

Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

walmart: why do u want to work here?

me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me

walmart: why would u tell us that

me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust

Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.