Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?

wife: omg what are you doing?

me: wrapping presents

wife:

me:

wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

I wonder if Mary and Joseph hated putting away the Christmas stuff as much as I do

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”

*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*

My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.

3-year-old: Let’s play zombies

Me: OK

3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby

She tricked me into playing house

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!

came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you