Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT

As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

Boss: Are you going to do any work today?

Me: Has it been optional this whole time?

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.

Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

If only.

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.