I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
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911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world