I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

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[front door opens]

Everyone [hiding in the dark]: *flicks on lights* SURPRISE!

Burglar: It sure is!


[someone fires a glitter cannon]


*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*


I will totally judge you based on your choice of breakfast cereal, you unfrosted weirdo.


? Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ?
and cousins toooo ?


Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.


Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?

Prince Charming: This is my real name

Doc: Right

Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*

Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!

Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady

Prince Charming:

Grumpy: Charming indeed


I made love to a beautiful hipster for nearly 10 minutes before realizing he was just a pile of scarves and coats in the Salvation Army bin.


I’d rather be with a man who blows his load too soon rather than starts singing too soon in a song. How embarrassing for both of us.


Me: Yeah, I’ve been having sex with robots a lot lately to ingratiate myself with them for the inevitable uprising.


Me: Anyway you were saying you bought a high-tech baby monitor you really like.