Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.

😬

“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”

-the new GPS app from Allrecipes

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?

WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings

WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped

WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death

ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together

If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.

My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.

About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.

I am ashamed of the scream I made.

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.