Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.

My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.

Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.

Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…

Me: $3,800

Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…

Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.

Salesman:

God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try

Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?

we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian

cute girl 2: i’m a vegan

me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable

Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.

me: my night terrors are getting worse

therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?

[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]

m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

911: 911, What’s your emergency?

Me: It’s John again.

911: John, seriously!!!

Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.