I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
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TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.