I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
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Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin