I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
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A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.