Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.

you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”

God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?

[driving]

Me: I don’t know where we are.

3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

I have a type: disappointing

NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD

Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

god: rabbits

angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing

god: ya they do that

angel: they’re multiplying

god: they’ll slow down

angel: they aren’t slowing down

god: holy shit

angel: they won’t stOP FU

[ next day ]

god: porcupines

Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.

Me: Thanks, you look good too.

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM

6:SCREAMS

ME:KIDDING it only eats kids

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”

have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war