I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
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Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me