I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
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my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
The news
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
B
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.