Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”

Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”

My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.

He seems nice.

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit

wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”

Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”

*embarrassed silence in the room*

“Wow. Tough crowd.”

Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER

Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?

Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?

A: Abe Blinkin’

Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.

walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”

glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.

Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.

10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent