Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage

ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning

My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.

[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”

I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.

“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids

Husband: What’s the nightmare part?

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.