I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
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black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Twitter fine art
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.