Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,

Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture

Her: It’s Mayan

Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

*mutes Coronavirus*

*Twitter disappears*

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes