Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”

ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

Goat cheese is for herders.

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes,  I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

*Son storms in

‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.