Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.

*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P

When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?

GOD: Sharp pincers

CRAB: Thats dope

GOD: Hard shell

CRAB: Hell ya

GOD: Delicious legs lmao

CRAB: Wtf

ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot

Me: What music you into?

Date: I love hip hop

Me: Yeah me too

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

“eat what’s in season” the health people said

Me:

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one