I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
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I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.