Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.

16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?

I don’t know.

16: Plain.

You’re going to be such a great dad.

Ryan Reynolds Said What?!

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

Everyone’s family

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet

What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.

If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it

been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.

Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything

Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*

Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness

Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.

*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*

*watches people scream into the box*

That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year