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*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
peeping toms
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
🗽
