I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
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if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.